Will death do us part?

I just finished Demolition, the movie with Jake Gyllenhaal. Got me thinking about you dying.. again.

Is weird how much I think about your death. I think I had already told you. But, anyway. It got me thinking about how painful the death of a loved one is. I haven't felt it, I can only imagine. 

I often imagine you're gone and I can't breathe. I picture how life would be without you. I had imagined your death at, both, a young and an old age. If you die young, it gives me all the excuses I need to become batshit crazy and be a hot widow at the same time. If you die old, I just become a poor old lady, although I would have all the excuses to die of sadness. But either way, I'd cry you the same ocean. I'd cry over the pages of the Silmarillion and I'd have that book burnt with me. I'd cry over your shirts and over your deodorant. My world would stop rotating, because you are my Sun.

Odd enough, I like thinking about that incredible pain. It reassures me just HOW MUCH I love you, how much I need you and how linked my life is with yours.

I promise I'd be the kind of widow that keeps all of your clothes hung, and your books in the same place where you left them. I'd probably wear your clothes, tho. I'm sorry but imma miss you, motherfucker!

You claim you are healthier than me, and I hope you are right. I hope you don't ever get sick and die of it. Is better to have a quick death.... wait... just don't die. 

Anywho, I was thinking if is harder to let go of people you chose to love, or people you inherently love like parents or kids. But then I realize I can't answer that question. At first I didn't choose to feel this way for you, it just happened. I just loved you one day. And I still do, but now is a combination of choosing you and just doing it. Is weird to explain and I suck at it. But what I want to say is that you will create, by far, the worst void in my life if you ever die before me. So just don't. I couldn't bear life without you here.  You have given me so much already, but I stop and think about how you'd keep on giving me strength, warmth and love for so many years that is almost inconceivable to picture that great loss. You'd always be in my mind. I don't think death can do us part. Either it takes me too, or I suffer for ages until is time. But you will never leave my mind, my heart or my spirit.

I love you
♡