Utopia revised

I've been wanting to write this entry for a while now. I'm constatnly evaluating the progess in my goals, and I change them as I think adecuate. 

There are times in life when you just stop, evaluate and see how things are going for you according to your life plans. Sometimes you need to give up on an impossible dream -like going to the moon- or realize it's going to take more time to reach the prize; there are also times when you need to add things to that list of yours, when you embrace the variables of life and include them. There are times when something got crossed out of the list earlier than you would've thought it ever would; and this is your case particularly. I've always wanted a husband, a life-long partner, but I didn't know when I would meet him, when I would need to accomodate my life so I can fit his. Now, that moment has come. You are here and I need to create new goals including you, I need to open my life for you, and you for me.

Years back -December 13th 2011, to be exact- Exactly 3 years before we started dating, I wrote what I thought was my Utopia, my dreamed life and published it in my only blog at the moment. This is it, translated: 

« I dreamt I finally graduated and got a job offer in Mexico City. In a high regarded company and such... but there was a torn still pinching my side, making me want to do better. So, I decided I would take up classes at the Politecnico during the afternoon. Have some subjects validated and major in Aeronautic Engineering. Three years would pass, maybe more, I would be 24-25, I would have 3 degrees and a decent salary. I would have tattoos already too. 

In order to do what's next, I would need to learn portuguese and french at the UNAM and when I finally consider myself a poliglot, I'll look for a job in other companies that offer me the opportunity to go to Brazil or France. In my dream I got it, and went to Brazil to work and start a master. I'd finish it and in this utopia they let me work with dreads. By now I'd be 28. What's still missing is the love of my life. Thank to black magic I'd find a brazilian man. Intelligent, and an engineer too, with the soul of an artist, free, corny, with a gorgeous smile. We would date, and at 31 he'd propose. We'd travel to Chihuahua so my family could meet him, and had 2 weddings. Our honey moon would be 3 months travelling Europe. I'd finally get a picture pretending to be a waitress in Bielruse. The only thing left was to consider wheter we wanted to live in Brazil or somewhere else.

I REALLY hope I can at least have 2 degrees, a Master, be trilingual and visit Europe before my 35th birthday. »

Hahaha So you can see I've always been some sort of a dreamer with high expectations. 

I'm only 23 and I do have 2 degrees, working to get my Master, almost trilingual and I'm probably going to Europe next year. I still have 12 years to do that and I'm pretty sure I'll have it done in 3.

What's my new Utopia, tho?

It's clear that I'm still aiming high, but I have you with me now. Side by side with new crazy things we want to do. So let me tell you what I day dream about, at least now -three weeks before I finish my first internship- with all my fears and this deep love that burns inside me. I don't know when I'm going to be willing to let you see this, but as for right now, this is what floats in my mind almost daily: 

Of course, a little after my 24th birthday I'll be living in Germany with you. Doing my Master in Satellites and if money is not a huge problem, maybe travelling a bit or even getting tattooed. I really want that matrioshka made in Russia. And the flowers on my arm being done by some amazing artist. I want to have orange hair, long orange hair I can pick  up in two buns too

I'm not sure what's going to happen when those 2 years end. Maybe a PhD? Do you think I can make it before I'm 30? How awesome would that be?! I want it! hahaha What about you teaching? Being this insanely hot teach. Oh gosh, I'm going to melt so hard when I see you grading papers.
I'm sure that by then I'd have built a life of incredibly amazing moments with you: Drinking at festivals, getting ready in our tiny apartment, feel so foreign and outta place in restaurants, be such tourists at museums, drink wine with your sister...

Honestly it seems I'm unable to plan beyond my Master. Everything is still in the dark, too far for me to see. But I do know one thing: we are getting married for-fucking-sure. I don't where is going to be, when is going to be or how the fuck I'm gonna manage to get my Vera Wang, but I'm marrying you in black with the coolest wedding cake and I'm going to look super hot. I plan for you to keep the look you have now, but it's up to you. I really love it, tho.

I daydream a lot about our house. I don't know where we are going to live but I want polished-cement floors. With maybe a rug where the livingroom is and a HUGE book shelf. With hanging and floating books. I want the house to be decorated with a mix of our styles. I want it to be just weird enough. And I want our room to be filled with memories. That doesn't mean photograps on the walls, I actually think it's going to be pretty minimalist and clean. Let's no forget about Sancho and Lupe!! Those gorgeous lazy things meowing all the time being so snuggly. I want a hairless cat at some point too :-[ hahaha

I don't know, I change my mind a lot. Kids... no kids. I kinda want a tiny monkey throwing poop around. What I'm trying to say is: now that I have you by my side forever, I don't care about what might happen, I don't plan so far ahead 'cause I know you can alter my plans with an eyelash, I honestly don't care as long as is you the thing that remains constant.

I love you monkey.

You are my utopia.

♡

Dreamland 2

You were in my dreams once more.

Actually, I'm pretty sure this should be Dreamland 3, but the first dream is written in another diary, maybe later I'll get to writing it here.

There's no need to say it was a weird dream and I don't remember most of it, but the part with you is almost crystal clear.

We were playing Castle in a bigger more medieval towers than the ones you used to play back in the day. There more kids around us, probably your friends. I clearly remember being in opposite teams and hiding in a tower. Something happened then, something real. Something was placing us in real danger in those towers, it stopped being a game, it became a survival excercise. I don't know what this evil was, what shape it took, anything, 

You grabbed a rope from the position you where in and swung your way to my tower. Ypu made sure I was ok, you calmed me down and proposed a plan: You were going to swing your way to the ground as call your parents. I agreed, until seconds before you jump from the heights. It was like being in a Final Destination movie. I saw you soaring the air with the green hills under you and I looked inside your head, and felt a slight suicidal thought. What would happen if I stop holding onto this rope? In my head I knew that our movie will end sadly, 'cause I'm like that, I'm such a pessimist and I keep feeling life hates me, so somehow I knew that by one reason or another you were going to lose your life trying to save us. Tragic ending for a great love. Those are the movies that win the Oscar. I imagined your death but I woke up before it actualyl happened.

It it always disturbing to think about and almost traumatizingly sad.

Weird dream, I know.

Thank you for trying to save me, tho.

I miss you

I love you.

♡

Chihuahua 2.0

I can't believe this last weekend just happened. Best weekend of my entire life!

I miss you like crazy now, tho.

You are what I always imagined. What I wanted in a partner and much more.

You were willing to try everything, to go anywhere. You were eager to see, eager to do.

I can't thank you enough for coming to my home town to visit me and be as patient as you are, for not going crazy when I was being moody for a very stupid thing like songs in a jukebox, for holding me tighter than I've ever been held before, for being the source of light and good mood that I desperately needed, for never stop smiling, for being excited to meet my family, for loving the food, for trying to buy me all you could, for the fucking sentiment all of this thing imply, for loving me so deeply like you do. Thank you

I loved Friday, not only 'cause I slept a couple hours more, but because the time flew by while I was waiting for the clock to hit 1PM. Because you made me feel nervous, feel those butterflies again. Because you made showering together possible again, and because -despite how tired you were- you agreed to go to all these bars with me and have a beer by my side. I loved Friday 'cause we lay in bed and you hugged me as if you had loved me for 20 years. I wouldn't... couldn't change that embrace for anything else. I'm physically and mentally incapable of letting that feeling go. I loved Friday 'cause we slept together after weeks of being apart, 'cause I felt your warmth again, your legs wrapped around mine and your hands protecting me.

I loved Saturday because we were in such a hurry and with no gas, because we woke up super late and because those paninis were tiny. I loved Saturday because you told me I looked so good in your shirt and when I put my dress on, you looked at me like a castaway looks at a rescuing squad. Never have I ever felt so confident and beautiful like I do around you. I loved Saturday 'cause you talked to my friends and weren't as shy at the party, 'cause you put up with me and tried to make me feel better. I loved it 'cause I got to sleep with you again.

I loved Sunday 'cause we hung out in my room, 'cause you pooped in my bathroom, 'cause we fucked in my bed. I loved Sunday 'cause my family met you and because we had the bestest time at ComicX. I enjoyed myself so much. I can laugh full heartedly without being afraid of judgement, I can talk of whatever I want because my baby listens. I feel complete, whole, invencible when I'm walking by your side.

I love you, I love you came here and I loved our weekend together.

♡

The Gift

I feel my birthday gift needs its own entry for itself.

I can't believe what you got me. Not only this is one of the most amazing books ever; but, the book I vowed to read every single year for as long as I live.

It means so much to me the fact that you wanted me to have something incredibly pretty to hold for years. And it isn't just that. Is all the work you put into getting it, all those hours worked. You had to had the money for this AND for your visit down here. I can't think about all your effort without summoning some tears. No one has ever gone so far for me, and maybe you'll say that this is just the beginning or that it was nothing, but we both know just how much this costed you and how much I appreciate it.

It is my most valuable and precious possession. Forget about my clothes! This book is the item I'd go back to look for in a fire. I can't wait to have it in a box, secure and gorgeous. I can't wait to have it in my hands and read the story in English for the first time. I can't wait to read it a thousand times and watch it get old and show signs of use. I can't wait for you to read your copy and share this adventure with me. I can't wait for it to become one of my iconic items, that specific thing our kids will immediately link with me.

I don't look forward to your death, but if you die first, is on these pages where I shall pour my tears.

I don't know if you have already read it by now, but I don't forget what I wrote: You are more precious to me than all the Silmarillions together.

I love my present and I will cherish all the times I look at it, everytime I turn a page and all those hours of joy is going to give me. But, I will cherish you even more.

I love you, Cody Cole. 

I love who you are -when you are alone, on your worst days, when you are with me-

I love how you think, what you know, what you like, what you say, how you say it.

I love everything about you.

You are my favorite book to read.

♡