Symbology vs. Symbolism

Let's get Illuminati, yo!!
This is where I explain a little about those "hidden" tiny pink hearts you may notice laying around in the embroidered presents I made, waiting to be asked for. Well... they are everywhere if you haven't noticed by now. Tiny pink hearts in every text entry, tiny pink hearts in every present I decided to give you since I decided to start writing here, tiny pink hearts now and tiny pink hearts forever

You are going to see this blog months after you receive the first clue*, but I want you to realize how big I wanted this to be, this surprise, that is. Want you to see how I'm constantly looking for things I can use as a signature, symbols that will represent me. Symbols of our love too. Like Pulpy, you and me, Squid and Octopus, Monkey and Kitty, Count and Princess, Loaf and Lobe, Cocoon and Sardine. Like the ouroboros you have permanently inked on your body and my bracelet.

If this was a bad book, then my tiny pink hearts would be an "-Ok? -Ok" and I'd be a cancer patient. But I kinda like the simplicity of a tiny pink heart, and the cliche that this is a secret blog. You could say that these are letters I never sent you. Now imagine all those letters signed with a heart, imagine a tiny pink heart tattoed on my side boob... Oh my God, kill-me-now time? Was that too much? I'm melting cliches here. I'm sorry I got carried away...
Anyhow, I wanted everything to be part of this. To be part of what I wanted to tell you. To be part of the archive I'm building for you. Part of what I'm doing to make you feel loved.
So fucking treasure it, Ok? Ok.
♡



*The ♡ in the gift card that came with the Green Power Ranger Tee

You found out

Maybe he won't find out what I know:

You were the last good thing about this part of town

I don't remember if I told you how this was one of the songs that Kini and I shared. When I first met him I called him "FOB Guy" 'cause I didn't know anything more than he kinda liked FOB and I loved them back then. So when he started falling for me, "Grand Theft Autumn" became like an anthem to him. 

When we went to the concert and they played this song, he practically clung to me. He was semi hugging me, singing in my ear. I found it so annoying. Couldn't enjoy the song at all. But I did always wander if he did love me more than anyone I knew. What if maybe no one ever feels like I'm the last good thing?.. But then you came along.

I can almost say I can touch your love. It's just so strong and reassuring, it burns me and keeps me warm. I can honestly say, no one has ever -and no one ever will- loved me as deep as you love me. Thank you for noticing me, senpai.

I love you, Monkey face.

♡

Utopia revised

I've been wanting to write this entry for a while now. I'm constatnly evaluating the progess in my goals, and I change them as I think adecuate. 

There are times in life when you just stop, evaluate and see how things are going for you according to your life plans. Sometimes you need to give up on an impossible dream -like going to the moon- or realize it's going to take more time to reach the prize; there are also times when you need to add things to that list of yours, when you embrace the variables of life and include them. There are times when something got crossed out of the list earlier than you would've thought it ever would; and this is your case particularly. I've always wanted a husband, a life-long partner, but I didn't know when I would meet him, when I would need to accomodate my life so I can fit his. Now, that moment has come. You are here and I need to create new goals including you, I need to open my life for you, and you for me.

Years back -December 13th 2011, to be exact- Exactly 3 years before we started dating, I wrote what I thought was my Utopia, my dreamed life and published it in my only blog at the moment. This is it, translated: 

« I dreamt I finally graduated and got a job offer in Mexico City. In a high regarded company and such... but there was a torn still pinching my side, making me want to do better. So, I decided I would take up classes at the Politecnico during the afternoon. Have some subjects validated and major in Aeronautic Engineering. Three years would pass, maybe more, I would be 24-25, I would have 3 degrees and a decent salary. I would have tattoos already too. 

In order to do what's next, I would need to learn portuguese and french at the UNAM and when I finally consider myself a poliglot, I'll look for a job in other companies that offer me the opportunity to go to Brazil or France. In my dream I got it, and went to Brazil to work and start a master. I'd finish it and in this utopia they let me work with dreads. By now I'd be 28. What's still missing is the love of my life. Thank to black magic I'd find a brazilian man. Intelligent, and an engineer too, with the soul of an artist, free, corny, with a gorgeous smile. We would date, and at 31 he'd propose. We'd travel to Chihuahua so my family could meet him, and had 2 weddings. Our honey moon would be 3 months travelling Europe. I'd finally get a picture pretending to be a waitress in Bielruse. The only thing left was to consider wheter we wanted to live in Brazil or somewhere else.

I REALLY hope I can at least have 2 degrees, a Master, be trilingual and visit Europe before my 35th birthday. »

Hahaha So you can see I've always been some sort of a dreamer with high expectations. 

I'm only 23 and I do have 2 degrees, working to get my Master, almost trilingual and I'm probably going to Europe next year. I still have 12 years to do that and I'm pretty sure I'll have it done in 3.

What's my new Utopia, tho?

It's clear that I'm still aiming high, but I have you with me now. Side by side with new crazy things we want to do. So let me tell you what I day dream about, at least now -three weeks before I finish my first internship- with all my fears and this deep love that burns inside me. I don't know when I'm going to be willing to let you see this, but as for right now, this is what floats in my mind almost daily: 

Of course, a little after my 24th birthday I'll be living in Germany with you. Doing my Master in Satellites and if money is not a huge problem, maybe travelling a bit or even getting tattooed. I really want that matrioshka made in Russia. And the flowers on my arm being done by some amazing artist. I want to have orange hair, long orange hair I can pick  up in two buns too

I'm not sure what's going to happen when those 2 years end. Maybe a PhD? Do you think I can make it before I'm 30? How awesome would that be?! I want it! hahaha What about you teaching? Being this insanely hot teach. Oh gosh, I'm going to melt so hard when I see you grading papers.
I'm sure that by then I'd have built a life of incredibly amazing moments with you: Drinking at festivals, getting ready in our tiny apartment, feel so foreign and outta place in restaurants, be such tourists at museums, drink wine with your sister...

Honestly it seems I'm unable to plan beyond my Master. Everything is still in the dark, too far for me to see. But I do know one thing: we are getting married for-fucking-sure. I don't where is going to be, when is going to be or how the fuck I'm gonna manage to get my Vera Wang, but I'm marrying you in black with the coolest wedding cake and I'm going to look super hot. I plan for you to keep the look you have now, but it's up to you. I really love it, tho.

I daydream a lot about our house. I don't know where we are going to live but I want polished-cement floors. With maybe a rug where the livingroom is and a HUGE book shelf. With hanging and floating books. I want the house to be decorated with a mix of our styles. I want it to be just weird enough. And I want our room to be filled with memories. That doesn't mean photograps on the walls, I actually think it's going to be pretty minimalist and clean. Let's no forget about Sancho and Lupe!! Those gorgeous lazy things meowing all the time being so snuggly. I want a hairless cat at some point too :-[ hahaha

I don't know, I change my mind a lot. Kids... no kids. I kinda want a tiny monkey throwing poop around. What I'm trying to say is: now that I have you by my side forever, I don't care about what might happen, I don't plan so far ahead 'cause I know you can alter my plans with an eyelash, I honestly don't care as long as is you the thing that remains constant.

I love you monkey.

You are my utopia.

♡

Dreamland 2

You were in my dreams once more.

Actually, I'm pretty sure this should be Dreamland 3, but the first dream is written in another diary, maybe later I'll get to writing it here.

There's no need to say it was a weird dream and I don't remember most of it, but the part with you is almost crystal clear.

We were playing Castle in a bigger more medieval towers than the ones you used to play back in the day. There more kids around us, probably your friends. I clearly remember being in opposite teams and hiding in a tower. Something happened then, something real. Something was placing us in real danger in those towers, it stopped being a game, it became a survival excercise. I don't know what this evil was, what shape it took, anything, 

You grabbed a rope from the position you where in and swung your way to my tower. Ypu made sure I was ok, you calmed me down and proposed a plan: You were going to swing your way to the ground as call your parents. I agreed, until seconds before you jump from the heights. It was like being in a Final Destination movie. I saw you soaring the air with the green hills under you and I looked inside your head, and felt a slight suicidal thought. What would happen if I stop holding onto this rope? In my head I knew that our movie will end sadly, 'cause I'm like that, I'm such a pessimist and I keep feeling life hates me, so somehow I knew that by one reason or another you were going to lose your life trying to save us. Tragic ending for a great love. Those are the movies that win the Oscar. I imagined your death but I woke up before it actualyl happened.

It it always disturbing to think about and almost traumatizingly sad.

Weird dream, I know.

Thank you for trying to save me, tho.

I miss you

I love you.

♡

Chihuahua 2.0

I can't believe this last weekend just happened. Best weekend of my entire life!

I miss you like crazy now, tho.

You are what I always imagined. What I wanted in a partner and much more.

You were willing to try everything, to go anywhere. You were eager to see, eager to do.

I can't thank you enough for coming to my home town to visit me and be as patient as you are, for not going crazy when I was being moody for a very stupid thing like songs in a jukebox, for holding me tighter than I've ever been held before, for being the source of light and good mood that I desperately needed, for never stop smiling, for being excited to meet my family, for loving the food, for trying to buy me all you could, for the fucking sentiment all of this thing imply, for loving me so deeply like you do. Thank you

I loved Friday, not only 'cause I slept a couple hours more, but because the time flew by while I was waiting for the clock to hit 1PM. Because you made me feel nervous, feel those butterflies again. Because you made showering together possible again, and because -despite how tired you were- you agreed to go to all these bars with me and have a beer by my side. I loved Friday 'cause we lay in bed and you hugged me as if you had loved me for 20 years. I wouldn't... couldn't change that embrace for anything else. I'm physically and mentally incapable of letting that feeling go. I loved Friday 'cause we slept together after weeks of being apart, 'cause I felt your warmth again, your legs wrapped around mine and your hands protecting me.

I loved Saturday because we were in such a hurry and with no gas, because we woke up super late and because those paninis were tiny. I loved Saturday because you told me I looked so good in your shirt and when I put my dress on, you looked at me like a castaway looks at a rescuing squad. Never have I ever felt so confident and beautiful like I do around you. I loved Saturday 'cause you talked to my friends and weren't as shy at the party, 'cause you put up with me and tried to make me feel better. I loved it 'cause I got to sleep with you again.

I loved Sunday 'cause we hung out in my room, 'cause you pooped in my bathroom, 'cause we fucked in my bed. I loved Sunday 'cause my family met you and because we had the bestest time at ComicX. I enjoyed myself so much. I can laugh full heartedly without being afraid of judgement, I can talk of whatever I want because my baby listens. I feel complete, whole, invencible when I'm walking by your side.

I love you, I love you came here and I loved our weekend together.

♡

The Gift

I feel my birthday gift needs its own entry for itself.

I can't believe what you got me. Not only this is one of the most amazing books ever; but, the book I vowed to read every single year for as long as I live.

It means so much to me the fact that you wanted me to have something incredibly pretty to hold for years. And it isn't just that. Is all the work you put into getting it, all those hours worked. You had to had the money for this AND for your visit down here. I can't think about all your effort without summoning some tears. No one has ever gone so far for me, and maybe you'll say that this is just the beginning or that it was nothing, but we both know just how much this costed you and how much I appreciate it.

It is my most valuable and precious possession. Forget about my clothes! This book is the item I'd go back to look for in a fire. I can't wait to have it in a box, secure and gorgeous. I can't wait to have it in my hands and read the story in English for the first time. I can't wait to read it a thousand times and watch it get old and show signs of use. I can't wait for you to read your copy and share this adventure with me. I can't wait for it to become one of my iconic items, that specific thing our kids will immediately link with me.

I don't look forward to your death, but if you die first, is on these pages where I shall pour my tears.

I don't know if you have already read it by now, but I don't forget what I wrote: You are more precious to me than all the Silmarillions together.

I love my present and I will cherish all the times I look at it, everytime I turn a page and all those hours of joy is going to give me. But, I will cherish you even more.

I love you, Cody Cole. 

I love who you are -when you are alone, on your worst days, when you are with me-

I love how you think, what you know, what you like, what you say, how you say it.

I love everything about you.

You are my favorite book to read.

♡

Dreamland 1

I had a dream about you. It was a weird one. I honestly don't remember it very well, but I'll do my best to tell you what I think it was about.

The first collection of memories I have is being in a hotel room, It was all wooden and the beds were tiny, There were two beds in the room, and you and I were occupying one; the other one had been taken by some Drag Queens out of drag, this -of course- triggered by my RuPaul's binge watching yesterday. Anyhow...I remember I was leaning on the headboard and there was a gap between the mattress and the wall and the things on my pocket were slipping and falling right in that gap, and as I was trying to get them back I was falling in too. When I was halfway through the fall I realized this room had been built over an old bowling alley, and that I was falling where the pins fall. I didn't want to be hit by the machine that arrange them so I was screaming for help so Neil Patrick Harris could hear me. He gave me this awful look and was very reluctant to help me, but he finally pull me and I was so pissed that the bed was so dangerous. The other drag man was going on how we should sue them and how this wasn't right.

After that happened, I noticed you. You were wearing a choker, like a BDSM guy who's into being treated like a dog. Apparently I was wearing a leather chest harness over my clothes. This is where the judging began. I inferred from all the yelling on my face a few moments later, that on that hotel we were staying when you ordered pillows it was only because you were planning on performing very kinky sexual acts and this other couple (Neil Patrick Harris and a loud blonde drag) were judging on how we were not a real BDSM couple. They claimed that not just because we wore a choker and a harness we had the privilege to call ourselves Dom and Sub. They said we did nothing really kinky, that spanking didn't count. We were some cheap posers and didn't deserve to have a pillow. So I was getting real insecure and angry and we went outside.

The first thing there was outside of hotel room was some steep stairs on the left side of the corridor. Up there was the registration office and the front desk. There was also a tiny terrace where you could see the "Resort" and the city. I was standing there really upset and I bumped into Clay and he starts yelling at me too. Something about having to be more dominant and some other crap that I felt was attacking. You were on the first floor and heard all. I was defending myself, mainly screaming "THAT'S NOT WHAT I SAID" and "I NEVER MADE THAT CLAIM" and you were furious. Oh baby, you were. You dropped your submissive role and started defending me telling Clay to shut the fuck up and stop bothering me with his stupid words he knew nothing about.

I don't know why the fuck I dreamt that, but I'm glad you were there to protect me.

I love dreaming about you. I love day dreaming about you too. Fantasize about our future. Makes me feel safe and happy. I can't wait for this next 11 days to pass super fast so I can see you on my birthday! Muamuamuamua!

I love you Submissive Monkey Count. You'll be my kinky partner for the rest of my sexual active life hahaha I wish for nothing more

♡