♡X29

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

MY ONE AND ONLY MONKEY KING ♕!

Booze, fries, pizza and coldis showers to celebrate 29 years on this Earth! I love you my old mang!!!

♡X28

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

MY ONE AND ONLY MONKEY KING ♕!

It's been a year since I wrote in here. Busy year, huh? Last year I spent a weekend with you in your house in Pyne with you friends and family. So many things have changed since then: We moved to Germany, I've been going to school for a year, we visited Venice, Pisa, Florence and Rome together. We got a cactus and planted tiny potatoes and you got shingles haha. We've been building our tiny life. 

You can celebrate this birthday however you want to. You're entitled to that. You can drink, you can party, you can chose to do nothing. You can tell me how you think is vane and how much you dislike it. That's fine... I'll be here... I'll be there, celebrating your birthday my way. Celebrating the year I spent next to you, celebrating the things we've done, the plans of the things yet to come. I'll be celebrating the fact that it has been 10 months since I'm waking up next to you. I'll celebrate that for another year, the decisions you took, and the things that you lived made you into the person I love. I'll celebrate that you are alive, and that we found each other. I'll celebrate that I'm happy because you are next to me, and I'll toast to the thought of me making YOU happy. 

I love you my one true Monkey King.

♡X27

It's been over a year since I started this blog. Over a year since I commenced this little secret present. I started not knowing when I was going to let you know, but your 27th birthday makes so much sense.

27 entries for 27 years

It's not only that I love how perfect that sounds, but also because when I asked around for advice as to when to give this link to you, people made a point: Feelings can expire. It sounds rough and unlike us, but they have a point. Maybe in 5 years, the first couple of entries will sound childish, maybe in 3 years my feelings matured and what I wrote to you in here is not longer 100% what I evolved to feel. So, that said, I hereby confirm that to this date, all the entries contained in this blog are true to my feelings, and in a clear state of my mind and in possesion of all my faculties I state that I FUCKING LOVE YOU and nothing makes me happier in this life than being with you.

So, here: *Lifts glass* For another year in my Monkey's life, for 365 days of precious memories and love, and *Lifts glass higher* for the year ahead of us and all the adventures to come. Cheers, God bless my one true love, and...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

MY ONE AND ONLY MONKEY KING ♕!

iii

It's only natural that I've been thinking so much about us in Germany lately. Now that is practically a reality. I don't get tired of the image of us walking on the wet pavement making fun of how Germans sound, us getting groceries trying to figure out if that can is actually beans or not. Taking pictures at weird advertisements and drinking german beer while we watch a movie in our tiny apartment.

I mostly imagine the tranquil, peaceful live that we would live if we were spoiled little brats that got away with their parent's money hahaha. Reality is such a bitch. Homework and classes will be such a bitch. Wanting to travel, but wanting to rest will be such a bitch. And finding a home will be a very special bitch. I don't want to struggle through all of this with anyone other than you.

I know sometimes I tell you I don't like your answers and how I didn't need to hear something. But you gotta realize that if someone else says anything slightly similar I usually bite their head off. And this is not me trying to sound like I put up with you, but rather how you sole presence calms me.

There is something about you that makes me feel that if I fail, you will be there to help me make a last effort or to do it for me. Is an incredible feeling I've never had. I can count on you, for real. Even if sometimes your optimism makes you slow hahah.

Anyway, one of the main things that excites me about Germany is you. Knowing that I'm gonna be able to sleep with you every single night. I can go out and eat with my husband whenever I feel like to, do posh and mundane stuff with you. Just you. So, thank you for keeping your promise.

 After 20 months, you are still willing to go to a different continent with me and I still can't believe it.
Maybe back then they were easy words, easy promises. Doesn't matter what they WERE, really. We pulled through... so far hahah.

Thank you for supporting my dreams. Thank you for the sacrifice, the compromise, the help and ever lasting love you have given me in this horrible travesy through the Sea of Papers and the Land of Tasks where the horrible Stress Creatures live.

I hope I am to you what you are to me, and that you know I'd follow you anywhere too. Because when of us grow, the other one does too. Individually but also together since the fulfillment and reward are for both... Or something like that said the lady that officiated our wedding. And those words, as generic as they sound, are true. And everything you have implied is too. And everything that is mine, is yours and vice versa. And when we strive and thrive, we thrive for two.


So in this happy note, let us buckle up and tackle down whatever is infront of us in the next two months to come.

For what it was, what it is, and what will be ~
I love you, gorgeous
♡

Weird Little Love Story

There was once a lovely Peanut. She was the fairest Peanut in the Land, and coincidentally, she was the youngest ruling Peanut of her Kingdom. One day, a Monkey strolled into her Palace. 

-Oh! Hi, Monkey! Didn't see you there- She greeted the Monkey.

So the Monkey bent his knee and said -AAH OOH OH OH!- because Monkeys cannot speak english. But, the Peanut loved him anyway and they lived happily ever after.

THE END

Hahaha Remember this story, my one true Monkey Count? This is the story of how we met... If we consider the Train Yard a Palace and well... yeah. The rest of it is true, so...

I love all your stories and songs -I especially love your songs- they are food for my soul. I like to nurture my soul in case you want to feed from it from my nostrils. But, joking aside: I truly appreciate all the time you spend talking to me the way you do, being so warm and soft around me, so patient. I love your imagination. It's so ridiculous and that's why we do the matchy-match. I love your voice when it does the talking and singing tahms. Aww de tahm.

Before you I could only imagine how fulfillment would feel. Before you there was only expectations and empty plans. I never thought I could find someone who was that perfect amalgam my brain imagined, but life has mysterious ways, my Monkey. And the ways that life has to tell me I hit the jackpot is when a handsome man translates "AAH OOH OH!" into "I want bananas and if you don't give them to me now, I will throw poop at you". That was the sign I was waiting all along, I just didn't know until that moment.

Keep being the magic man you are, Cody. Keep being a poop-throwing Monkey. Stay by my side and NEVER stop singing, my love. For my days are forever brighter when your delightful voice is in them.

I love you, my one and only Monkey Count.

♡

Rough week

Monday 11th:

I MISS YOU

I MISS YOU 

I MISS YOU

...Did that work? Did my Monkey magically teleport? No? This is gonna be a very rough week

Tuesday 12th:

I always tell you how sleepy you sound when I call you in the mornings.

I love hearing from you very early in my day. Specially if you sound sleepy, although I hate waking you up, oh the conundrum 

I know I already told you all of this, but lately I've been needing that voice way more. I need it to start my day. I feel so empty, not ready and shaky without my Monkey sounds

Wednesday 13th:

Today was one of those weird days when the alarm actually woke me up. Do you know that feeling of not being up to the task of being a human? Want to do nothing forever? And then think is only Wednesday and hate your life? And feel lonely cause you woke up alone? No Monkey beside you to complain to and kiss? I feel like that. Like I'm just fooling myself and I should be with you and not here. I love you, I adore you and I will call you in just a few cause I fucking need you.

Thursday 14th:

Didn't rest at all and we were disconnected. I hate coming come late and not being able to hang out with you. We rarely do that anymore. We have terrible schedules. I'm not worried tho, cause when I visit we have a great tahm.

I don't want to wake you up calling you on Hangouts, leave you on for 20 min and then call you again on Whatsapp, so I'll call you when I'm ready. In the meantime I can only imagine you and your sleepy poses and sounds that I lobe.

Mm... I fucking hate hanging up. Is never enough. It's not fair waking you up, to start with. Even less, keep you awake for more than you already do, and yet I still want more Monkey every morning :(

Friday 15th:

I'm sorry I haven't been around during the afternoon. It feels weird, you know? Not having enough Monkey, that is. I don't like the feeling, it drags me away from you. BUT OI! Hearing your sleepy face takes me to incredible, sweet places. It's just so cute!

Every week is a rough week when I don't have my monkey next to me
I love you
♡

Will death do us part?

I just finished Demolition, the movie with Jake Gyllenhaal. Got me thinking about you dying.. again.

Is weird how much I think about your death. I think I had already told you. But, anyway. It got me thinking about how painful the death of a loved one is. I haven't felt it, I can only imagine. 

I often imagine you're gone and I can't breathe. I picture how life would be without you. I had imagined your death at, both, a young and an old age. If you die young, it gives me all the excuses I need to become batshit crazy and be a hot widow at the same time. If you die old, I just become a poor old lady, although I would have all the excuses to die of sadness. But either way, I'd cry you the same ocean. I'd cry over the pages of the Silmarillion and I'd have that book burnt with me. I'd cry over your shirts and over your deodorant. My world would stop rotating, because you are my Sun.

Odd enough, I like thinking about that incredible pain. It reassures me just HOW MUCH I love you, how much I need you and how linked my life is with yours.

I promise I'd be the kind of widow that keeps all of your clothes hung, and your books in the same place where you left them. I'd probably wear your clothes, tho. I'm sorry but imma miss you, motherfucker!

You claim you are healthier than me, and I hope you are right. I hope you don't ever get sick and die of it. Is better to have a quick death.... wait... just don't die. 

Anywho, I was thinking if is harder to let go of people you chose to love, or people you inherently love like parents or kids. But then I realize I can't answer that question. At first I didn't choose to feel this way for you, it just happened. I just loved you one day. And I still do, but now is a combination of choosing you and just doing it. Is weird to explain and I suck at it. But what I want to say is that you will create, by far, the worst void in my life if you ever die before me. So just don't. I couldn't bear life without you here.  You have given me so much already, but I stop and think about how you'd keep on giving me strength, warmth and love for so many years that is almost inconceivable to picture that great loss. You'd always be in my mind. I don't think death can do us part. Either it takes me too, or I suffer for ages until is time. But you will never leave my mind, my heart or my spirit.

I love you
♡

I Ramen You

I just got you the tiniest, cutest Ramen earrings <3 

This past weekend with you was in-fucking-credible, bebeh. I really had an amazing time, delicious nomis, and all the sunglasses and pluggis in the world! It sorta made me realize... made me want to have money to splurge on you. To buy you tiny things, and spontaneous presents, and make my Monkey smile. 

I will someday, you know? Is on my list of things to do, along with planning how the fuck I'm going to retire... but that is another story, mah friend.

Anywho, I can only try my best right now and get you tiny Ramen earrings. And even if you argue and claim you don't need shit from me, well I'm writing this to let you know I don´t give a single sad rat's ass fuck. Imm spoil the life outta you, gorgeous face.

I know I don't need to spend anything to make you smile, buh I wanna! And secretly I know you wanna too! Mehbehs :*

And talking about money, I love how you say that now that we are married what's yours is mine and viceversa, even if it's a joke. Even if I don't want that, I like when you say it. I don't know. I guess it reminds me you are aware that you're stuck with me for pretty much all your fucking life ☺

I love you!
Thank you for that amazing weekend, and all the other ones you had given me. For the time, attention and effort you put into every minute we are together
I can't wait to see you again, I miss you so!

♡

Vows

      

Marriage to me has always been just the word that means one is making official the willingness to share one's life with another being. 

I have never considered marriage to be difficult, at least on a day-to-day basis. I get that there are tough decisions to make from time to time, but we will cross that bridge when we get there. 

Other than that, marriage should be the most comforting thing in the world. Because I'm not only choosing a partner, I'm choosing a life-long teacher, and student; I'm choosing a roommate, my personal nurse, and my own amateur masseur; I'm choosing a chef, my new favorite news anchor and a speaking diary. I'm choosing an accountant, a 24/7 computer technician, and a shrink. I'm choosing someone with different tastes, hobbys, and opinions to enrich my life. I'm choosing the weirdest movie critic, the biggest Transformers collector, and the happy owner of the biggest collection of nerd parafernalia I've ever known. 

So, coming home everyday to interact with this human being, should be the easiest, most satisfying thing in the world. 'Cause I'm just choosing to marry my best friend who listens to me and makes me feel loved, who shares the same, if not better, view of the world, who encourages me to be the better version of myself and still loves the bad parts. 

The only thing left to say is: Thank you Mom and Dad, for giving me life, and for all the opportunities you struggled to offer me. Thank you Sunny and Paul for raising such generous, polite, gentle and weird individual. I also want to thank all our family and friends, and people who somehow marked us and made us who we are. And finally, thank you Cody. Thank you for all the years shared and the ones yet to come. Thank you for all the unwavering love, and for making this marriage the happiest thing that has happened in my life.

I love you

♡

I'm not longer alone

In my life there's been no one like him. Anywhere, anywhere where he is. If he asked, I'd be his...In my life, there is some who touches my life. Waiting near, waiting here...

I remember those first days together, when you claimed you were sure you loved me more than I loved you. I will admit that at some point I believed you, and grew scared. I didn't want you to love me more, I wanted to love you just as much, but what if I wasn't capable of such love? 

What a naive little peanut I was.

In my life there has been so many tough decisions. Tough for me because I tend to over analyze and predict the worst possible outcome. And because, just like everyone else, I get lost in life sometimes. Being like this has filled me up with doubts. Every decision is a struggle. You saw it when I tried to make any decision regarding my future Master. I'm aware this makes me somewhat indecisive. And because of that I have chosen things I thought I wanted, and I had so many other precious things go because I thought I didn't need them. But time passed by and allowed me to realize how wrong I had been. 

But I have learned. And if being with Ferdinand taught me something, was to understand how I never want to feel ever again. I understood how being in love might blind you, and how only time can really help you understand a person.

Today at work I said I was sure I was gonna end up marrying you and they got startled at my certainty. And it's almost ironic how the single most important decision I had made yet: the one involving the one person I'm gonna share the rest of my years with, is the easiest one.

We were thinking about marriage just weeks after we started dating. And even back then I said yes, I just knew how the love of my live was right there waiting for me, bursting like the music of angels, the light of the sun. And I felt how my life seemed to stop as if something was over and something was scarcely beginning, and how I soared through a world that was new that was free. 

This much happiness, this much certainty is so new to me. and I find myself with the biggest smile stretched all over my face when I think about being with you forever. Fuck the courthouse, and fuck the church. I don't need them to know that our love is real and everlasting.

I'm so happy to share all the years ahead of us with you, my one true Monkey.

I love you more than I ever loved before. More than I thought I could.

♡

Fighto!

✧We have our nose piercings on different sides
✧You have curly hair, mine is straight
✧You are a puppy, I'm a kitten
✧You like terror, I'm a scaredy cat
✧You like working out at home or outside and by yourself, I wish someone went to the gym with me
✧You wanted kids, I didn't
✧You drink tee, I like coffee
✧You are always warm, I'm always cold
✧You prefer hard liquor, I rather drink beer
✧You like Elementary, I'm a Sherlock fan
✧You are the biggest geek, I'm a different breed of nerd.
✧You usually sleep less than 8 hours, I can only sleep more than 9
✧You have ADD, I love organization
✧You love to eat spicy food, I'm the worst Mexican
✧You have always been comfortable with commitment, I had an anxiety attack
✧You always wash your hands, I'm lucky if peer pressure makes me do it
✧You have the cutest legs, I have the cutest shoulders
✧YOU SNORE AND I DON'T
✧But, I drool and you don't... as often
✧We are from different countries
✧Our mother tongue is not the same
✧You are from the 80's, I was born in the 90's
✧Your family is weird and "alternative, my family is as plain as it can be
✧You buy me things, I make you things
✧You love to sing,  I love to dance
✧You tend to like, my nature is to hate
✧...You love ME, and I love YOU


There are a lot of things that make us opposite, but all of our differences are so easily dismissed when we compare them to the things we share. I didn't need more than a couple days with you to tell that we shared what was actually important. Sharing the same points of view on difficult subjects, feeling the same way about humanity and life and having so much respect and love for each other make every single difference or problem completely tiny. There is no obstacle we can't tackle, and while doing so the thought of breaking up doesn't even crosses our minds. We are in this together -Like High School Musical said.

We are halves of an orange. And we fit, even if we have our seeds in different places.
I couldn't be happier with someone else. You share my opinions and yet you make me grow by being unique and liking different things.
I love you, Count
♡

*Puppy sounds*

I love taking you with me when I drive. I mean, I take you everywhere, but it's when I'm driving when I allow myself to talk to you. I often catch myself answering your hypothetical questions out loud, making tiny sounds or just letting you know where we are going. Just like today, I told you how it was gonna be a big pain in the ass to find where to park and I wasn't sure where we had to go but we would figure it out.

I always do things with you by my side. I go shopping, walk the sidewalks, wonder what you could possibly want from the Oxxo.

I do it invariably. It's the consequence of loving you and missing you so goddamn much. I'm pretty sure you do the same thing. We are the same thing. The same soul. And now we finally put a face to the voice in our minds that always cares, always asks. I got a gorgeous Monkey on the back of my mind to keep me safe and aware, feeling loved and warm, and smiling at all tahms.

I love the tiny Monkey bebeh face, so gorgeous yih. *Puppy sounds*

Ah mua!

♡

ii

I should be writing an essay right now, but is far easier to write to you.

It has only been a week since the last time I left Las Cruces, but it surely doesn't feel like it.

It has been one of the longest weeks I've ever had. I feel I miss you constantly, I feel I need you all the time. I want to be laying next to you in your bed all day. I want to be smothered my your aroma and warm in your company.

I know you're trying to visit soon, and it just not soon enough. I don't even have money to take you out, or money to go visit you more than once, but I don't care. I'd beg for money if that's what it takes to be beside you.

I have a headache. I couldn't sleep properly today and I'm paying for it. My favorite way to cope with it is imagining being in your room. So warm, so cozy, so comfy. Feeling loved and loving you back.

That's is usually the thought that gets me through the days.

I know you have images like that to get you through your own nightmares. I also know you're not having a good day and I hope it gets better.

I love you so much. Beyond belief.

I miss you to the point where I feel I'll suffocate in this air that can't touch you.

I adore you. Forever.

♡

We spin around the same Sun, honey.

HAPPY 1 YEAR ANNIVERSARY, MONKEY FACE ♕!

As soon as you got home, around midnight when the 9th was still young, you said happy anniversary. I know you have been thinking about it as often as I have and that's why I love you!

We shaved together and then you gave me a leggy massage, we sleepis cuddling and I woke you up like a kitty. You told me your weird dream where my favorite restaurant was a generic Chinese restaurant and also a moffler shop. We went to your parent's house and I met your grandma and the kitties. We played Plague Inc on brutal and won 4 tahms. We did laundry and had boneless wings and beer for dinner. It was a non-traditional anniversary but I really enjoyed it... a lot. 

Being here for those 2 weeks made me so happy. I got to be where my bebeh sleeps, where my bebeh looks at me when he calls me. I got to be here for him when he comes back from work. 

I only have 3 days left here and I know I'm going to miss you so fucking much, specially if I don't get to see you again on early January. Starting the year alone is never fun. And I know we are both very happy for making it through this past year, but we are not very enthusiastic about doing it again for 10 more months... that's is everything goes as expected. I know it has been, and will be hard... but oh well, I'm not gonna just stop loving you, am I?

This first year with you was definitely, without a doubt, the fastest year I had ever lived. You make time slips by, 'cause I enjoy myself so much when I get to be around you.

I can wait to accumulate so many years together and be forever by your side. 

I love you, Monkey Pipi. I love your looks, your voice, your cute sounds, your humor, your body, your mind. I love you so so so much. Thank you for being so brave and for never minding the distance. I know it hurts and it's not ideal, but it will be over soon enough.

Love you with all I am, ahmua!

♡

1804 Wyoming Av. Apt. 34

I've been waiting for the past couple of days for Facebook to "remind" me about our 1-year anniversary and instead I got this:

In case you don't understand, it's been exactly 1 year since we became friends on Facebook. ONE YEAR! Last year's November 21st was Friday. The Friday prior to leaving LC for the Thanksgiving break. The Friday I went to Japanese class, grabbed some cookies for you and sneaked into your apartment. 

I have very fond memories of that place. It smelled different, you know? I loved the smell. I can still sense it from time to time. 

I cuddled with you for a while and managed to fall asleep again, and then I had to excuse myself 'cause allegedly we were leaving around 1. We ended up leaving at 3 or so, I remember just thinking that I could be hanging out with you

We were already so in love.

I miss that place. Maybe it wasn't a bed were only you and me had laid, but I love the atmosphere, the perfect amount o light for the space. I miss the times I straddled you and felt like a teenager -Those times aren't over, but hey! that was the first place that saw me do it- The way my stuff was just thrown on the floor, the mirror, the first time we attempted to use a butt plug, the first time you saw me cry and the first time we told each other I love you

Lately I've been watching you sleep. You're so incredibly handsome and cute. I don't care if life takes a minute from my life every time I say I love you. I could live to be only 40, and I'd be happy to have those 18 years with you. I want nothing more. 

I know I didn't write an entry for our 1-year meeting anniversary. Doesn't mean I didn't think about it!

And honestly all I can think about right now is going to visit you and stay for two glorious weeks. We are almost past the 100-hours mark. SO GODDAMN CLOSE!

I love you, gorgeous Monkey.

I loved you a year ago and I love you now.

♡

Lupe 2.0

Remember what I told you a few months ago while we were parking in front of the house on Payne? What I told you about how I think Lupe influenced my taste in men? The more I think about it, the more I believe is completely true.

I never met Lupe, not that I remember. But apparently that didn't stop my very young self from being amazed and enamored with the idea of a man who could be manly and yet so soft. Just hearing my dad describing how that man treated my aunt, how he spent all the nights necessary at the hospital next to her...

Ever since, I've always wanted a strong man. Strong enough to carry disgraces, to stand when death comes, strong enough to cry and strong enough to stand next to me; a handsome man with a smile that melts the poles, with a sense of style that makes him unique and a way to carry himself that makes me shake every time I lay my eyes upon him; I've always wanted a soft man. I like to describe it as a man with an artist soul but minus the drama and inconsistency, a man whose touch is soft and comforting, a soft man that understand and appreciates the details in life, who likes to read in silence and cuddle, who likes to cook and laugh, someone who can see beyond his point of view and be empathic, who can understand and respect what I feel.

I thought this was all I wanted, until I met you. You showed me I wanted all of the above AND MORE. I wanted a man who would let me be myself and love me for it, fall in love with that.  I realized a wanted a man who could be his own self: smart, original, with style and yet enjoy what I am. A man I trusted so much I would let him influence what I can become, I would let him help me grow. A strong, handsome, soft, understanding, respectful and loving man....

And now I have him. I share him with life. 

I finally got my own Lupe. 

I finally got my Cody Cole.

Thank you for falling in love with everything that I am, thank you for being just you.

I love you so incredibly much. You're the man I've always wanted to share my eternity with.

Ah mwah! 

♡

Symbology vs. Symbolism

Let's get Illuminati, yo!!
This is where I explain a little about those "hidden" tiny pink hearts you may notice laying around in the embroidered presents I made, waiting to be asked for. Well... they are everywhere if you haven't noticed by now. Tiny pink hearts in every text entry, tiny pink hearts in every present I decided to give you since I decided to start writing here, tiny pink hearts now and tiny pink hearts forever

You are going to see this blog months after you receive the first clue*, but I want you to realize how big I wanted this to be, this surprise, that is. Want you to see how I'm constantly looking for things I can use as a signature, symbols that will represent me. Symbols of our love too. Like Pulpy, you and me, Squid and Octopus, Monkey and Kitty, Count and Princess, Loaf and Lobe, Cocoon and Sardine. Like the ouroboros you have permanently inked on your body and my bracelet.

If this was a bad book, then my tiny pink hearts would be an "-Ok? -Ok" and I'd be a cancer patient. But I kinda like the simplicity of a tiny pink heart, and the cliche that this is a secret blog. You could say that these are letters I never sent you. Now imagine all those letters signed with a heart, imagine a tiny pink heart tattoed on my side boob... Oh my God, kill-me-now time? Was that too much? I'm melting cliches here. I'm sorry I got carried away...
Anyhow, I wanted everything to be part of this. To be part of what I wanted to tell you. To be part of the archive I'm building for you. Part of what I'm doing to make you feel loved.
So fucking treasure it, Ok? Ok.
♡



*The ♡ in the gift card that came with the Green Power Ranger Tee

You found out

Maybe he won't find out what I know:

You were the last good thing about this part of town

I don't remember if I told you how this was one of the songs that Kini and I shared. When I first met him I called him "FOB Guy" 'cause I didn't know anything more than he kinda liked FOB and I loved them back then. So when he started falling for me, "Grand Theft Autumn" became like an anthem to him. 

When we went to the concert and they played this song, he practically clung to me. He was semi hugging me, singing in my ear. I found it so annoying. Couldn't enjoy the song at all. But I did always wander if he did love me more than anyone I knew. What if maybe no one ever feels like I'm the last good thing?.. But then you came along.

I can almost say I can touch your love. It's just so strong and reassuring, it burns me and keeps me warm. I can honestly say, no one has ever -and no one ever will- loved me as deep as you love me. Thank you for noticing me, senpai.

I love you, Monkey face.

♡

Utopia revised

I've been wanting to write this entry for a while now. I'm constatnly evaluating the progess in my goals, and I change them as I think adecuate. 

There are times in life when you just stop, evaluate and see how things are going for you according to your life plans. Sometimes you need to give up on an impossible dream -like going to the moon- or realize it's going to take more time to reach the prize; there are also times when you need to add things to that list of yours, when you embrace the variables of life and include them. There are times when something got crossed out of the list earlier than you would've thought it ever would; and this is your case particularly. I've always wanted a husband, a life-long partner, but I didn't know when I would meet him, when I would need to accomodate my life so I can fit his. Now, that moment has come. You are here and I need to create new goals including you, I need to open my life for you, and you for me.

Years back -December 13th 2011, to be exact- Exactly 3 years before we started dating, I wrote what I thought was my Utopia, my dreamed life and published it in my only blog at the moment. This is it, translated: 

« I dreamt I finally graduated and got a job offer in Mexico City. In a high regarded company and such... but there was a torn still pinching my side, making me want to do better. So, I decided I would take up classes at the Politecnico during the afternoon. Have some subjects validated and major in Aeronautic Engineering. Three years would pass, maybe more, I would be 24-25, I would have 3 degrees and a decent salary. I would have tattoos already too. 

In order to do what's next, I would need to learn portuguese and french at the UNAM and when I finally consider myself a poliglot, I'll look for a job in other companies that offer me the opportunity to go to Brazil or France. In my dream I got it, and went to Brazil to work and start a master. I'd finish it and in this utopia they let me work with dreads. By now I'd be 28. What's still missing is the love of my life. Thank to black magic I'd find a brazilian man. Intelligent, and an engineer too, with the soul of an artist, free, corny, with a gorgeous smile. We would date, and at 31 he'd propose. We'd travel to Chihuahua so my family could meet him, and had 2 weddings. Our honey moon would be 3 months travelling Europe. I'd finally get a picture pretending to be a waitress in Bielruse. The only thing left was to consider wheter we wanted to live in Brazil or somewhere else.

I REALLY hope I can at least have 2 degrees, a Master, be trilingual and visit Europe before my 35th birthday. »

Hahaha So you can see I've always been some sort of a dreamer with high expectations. 

I'm only 23 and I do have 2 degrees, working to get my Master, almost trilingual and I'm probably going to Europe next year. I still have 12 years to do that and I'm pretty sure I'll have it done in 3.

What's my new Utopia, tho?

It's clear that I'm still aiming high, but I have you with me now. Side by side with new crazy things we want to do. So let me tell you what I day dream about, at least now -three weeks before I finish my first internship- with all my fears and this deep love that burns inside me. I don't know when I'm going to be willing to let you see this, but as for right now, this is what floats in my mind almost daily: 

Of course, a little after my 24th birthday I'll be living in Germany with you. Doing my Master in Satellites and if money is not a huge problem, maybe travelling a bit or even getting tattooed. I really want that matrioshka made in Russia. And the flowers on my arm being done by some amazing artist. I want to have orange hair, long orange hair I can pick  up in two buns too

I'm not sure what's going to happen when those 2 years end. Maybe a PhD? Do you think I can make it before I'm 30? How awesome would that be?! I want it! hahaha What about you teaching? Being this insanely hot teach. Oh gosh, I'm going to melt so hard when I see you grading papers.
I'm sure that by then I'd have built a life of incredibly amazing moments with you: Drinking at festivals, getting ready in our tiny apartment, feel so foreign and outta place in restaurants, be such tourists at museums, drink wine with your sister...

Honestly it seems I'm unable to plan beyond my Master. Everything is still in the dark, too far for me to see. But I do know one thing: we are getting married for-fucking-sure. I don't where is going to be, when is going to be or how the fuck I'm gonna manage to get my Vera Wang, but I'm marrying you in black with the coolest wedding cake and I'm going to look super hot. I plan for you to keep the look you have now, but it's up to you. I really love it, tho.

I daydream a lot about our house. I don't know where we are going to live but I want polished-cement floors. With maybe a rug where the livingroom is and a HUGE book shelf. With hanging and floating books. I want the house to be decorated with a mix of our styles. I want it to be just weird enough. And I want our room to be filled with memories. That doesn't mean photograps on the walls, I actually think it's going to be pretty minimalist and clean. Let's no forget about Sancho and Lupe!! Those gorgeous lazy things meowing all the time being so snuggly. I want a hairless cat at some point too :-[ hahaha

I don't know, I change my mind a lot. Kids... no kids. I kinda want a tiny monkey throwing poop around. What I'm trying to say is: now that I have you by my side forever, I don't care about what might happen, I don't plan so far ahead 'cause I know you can alter my plans with an eyelash, I honestly don't care as long as is you the thing that remains constant.

I love you monkey.

You are my utopia.

♡

Dreamland 2

You were in my dreams once more.

Actually, I'm pretty sure this should be Dreamland 3, but the first dream is written in another diary, maybe later I'll get to writing it here.

There's no need to say it was a weird dream and I don't remember most of it, but the part with you is almost crystal clear.

We were playing Castle in a bigger more medieval towers than the ones you used to play back in the day. There more kids around us, probably your friends. I clearly remember being in opposite teams and hiding in a tower. Something happened then, something real. Something was placing us in real danger in those towers, it stopped being a game, it became a survival excercise. I don't know what this evil was, what shape it took, anything, 

You grabbed a rope from the position you where in and swung your way to my tower. Ypu made sure I was ok, you calmed me down and proposed a plan: You were going to swing your way to the ground as call your parents. I agreed, until seconds before you jump from the heights. It was like being in a Final Destination movie. I saw you soaring the air with the green hills under you and I looked inside your head, and felt a slight suicidal thought. What would happen if I stop holding onto this rope? In my head I knew that our movie will end sadly, 'cause I'm like that, I'm such a pessimist and I keep feeling life hates me, so somehow I knew that by one reason or another you were going to lose your life trying to save us. Tragic ending for a great love. Those are the movies that win the Oscar. I imagined your death but I woke up before it actualyl happened.

It it always disturbing to think about and almost traumatizingly sad.

Weird dream, I know.

Thank you for trying to save me, tho.

I miss you

I love you.

♡